january 1998
s m u g
the biswick files
by Sherman T. Biswick

*

My grandpa is 79 years old. He hated everything we gave him for Christmas and wants us to try again. What should we get him?
-Sally

Christmas can be traumatic for young and old alike. I once asked for a new hat but we were so poor that I got a thimble. My father told me that Santa was out of hats but had personally told him to give me the thimble and I could make my own. Many youngsters today make a big to do about wanting the Mork dolls and so forth, but few get them. And it seems that more if these so called "new age" parents are in favor of basketball sneakers and educational materials instead of toys. So, it seems there has always been a big difference in what we want for Christmas versus what we actually get. This doesn't change when you reach the senior status. The generation gap is too wide for the kids to understand our wants. So, I polled a few of the boys at VFW #231 over a game of Sheepshead and compiled a list of do's and don'ts for Christmas gifts next year, since this year was a dismal failure.

DO give:

Cigarettes. If your treasured loved one likes to smoke, then I say there is no better gift than a carton of their favorites. I smoked for 37 years but quit because I got to having coughing spells at three o'clock in the morning. I would hack up a white substance and that used to frighten my late wife. Finally, Doctor Morton told me that I needed to quit smoking because of my blood pressure. That was twenty years ago and I tell you there's not a day goes by when I don't want to sit down and have a Chesterfield. Especially while I'm having coffee after Christmas dinner or waiting for the bus.

Gift certificates to buffets. I love to eat. I once at three apple pies in one sitting. That certainly made everyone really jealous.

Electronic flea collars. One night I called and order one of these things from the Home Shopping network. Mark, the host, gave me a big toot when I told him that I was getting it to wear myself. The bugs around here get bad starting in April. I like to sit on the porch but it doesn't have a screen. I'm on the Board of Residents here in the home and we voted 5 to 1 to get that porch screened in two summers ago. But when the home was sold the new management moved the porch screen down on the priority list.

Vacations to Branson, Mo. Mel Tillis has a theater there. Box Car Willie does too.

DON'T GIVE:

Food of any kind. It's a thin line between fruit and fruitcake for our silver citizens with dentures. Myself, I've got perfect teeth and always have. Back in the depression we didn't have toothpaste or even tooth brushes. So, we used soot from the fireplace on our shirtsleeves and rubbed that across our teeth. People didn't know much about tooth care back then but they sure knew how to make do without all the fancy coffee stores and Baldwin brothers and such.

Affliction related gifts. No one likes to be reminded that they're falling apart. Marvin Wills got a new prosthetic leg for Christmas two years ago from his son. It was one of those new durable plastic ones with the guarantee to last until the year 2050 or your money back. Unfortunately, it was 3 pounds lighter than his old wooden one and this caused him to walk around in a circle until he got used to it. Those sales people always tell you how light everything is. Why is nothing heavy anymore? And when did heavy get to be such a bad thing? You don't see anybody telling you how light bridges are. No sir.

Ties. Since I retired from the plant, the only time I put on a tie was for funerals and for my grandson's high school graduation. I keep trying to tell him to forget about that ecological stuff and go to a real college where they teach you skills you can use like banking. You can learn about the ecology from farming and nobody needs to go to college to be a farmer.

Sincerely,

Sherman T. Biswick

*

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