February 1998
s m u g
the biswick files
by Sherman T. Biswick

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I'm looking to buy a used car. Can you offer any advice?
-Fanny

Dear Fanny,
An important thing to consider when purchasing a car is size. I am a tall man and I feel much safer in a large vehicle. The largest automobile I've ever owned is a 1975 Ford LTD. I was never much of a Ford man until I bought ol Betsy brand new from Don Hargrove and Associates Ford of Greater West Virginia. This car was a beaut even after the great crash of '81. I was driving through the parking lot of Heck's Department store in Ironton, Ohio, when I was rear ended by a hippie in a Chevy Luv pick-up. Betsy did get a scracth. Unfortunately, the long hair wasn't so lucky. His pick-up had it's radiator shoved plum back to the engine block.

I drove that car til '91 when my eye doctor told me I shouldn't drive down to the VFW. I gave old Betsy to my grandson who install some fancy dice and whatnot. The car finally gave out last year. The lesson in all this is that despite what you may think, Fanny, the Ford LTD is a good car. Otherwise police departments all across the country wouldn't buy so many of them.

Is there really life on other planets? Should I worry about being abducted by aliens?
- Sam

Dear Sam,
I was in the service with a fellow from Oregon who claimed he was visited by aliens from other planets. I don't know what they teach in school up there in Oregon but I've long thought that if the good Lord put us here, he certainly could put them out there.

Most everybody thought Marvin was crazy. Come to find out, Marvin was drinking after shave. Liquor was in short supply during the war and Marvin's wife used to send him the stuff by the gallon. After some minor distillation to remove harmful impurities, Marv got his alcohol Hai Karate style.

There is a lesson to be learned here. As the Lord Jesus taught us -- in 1 Corinthians, I believe -- we shouldn't be drunketh with wine. Because if you're drunk when the Lord returns during the rapture, you might mistake Jesus for an alien. And that would be embarrassing for the both of you.

Do you exist?
- Tori

Dear Tori,
I am as real as the Chuck Norris Missing in Action movies.

Sincerely,

Sherman T. Biswick

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