April 1998 and such and such by leslie harpold |
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The Envelope, Please
Awards ceremonies are essentially empty and meaningless, and watching the Acadamey awards we were reminded of the bittersweet pain the presenter must endure. Actors hand awards to other actors lauding them for stellar performances. Basically, the subtext is "Here, you are much better at my job than I am," and we think that's got to cause some sort of long term psychic pain.
In the spirit of mental health and self reference, we announce the 1998 Smug Masturbatory Awards. No One Is Sexier than You and no one makes a magazine thant understands that like Us. We're even going to spare you the footage of all of us sitting around in evening wear weeping, all the lengthy acceptance speeches and show you only the winners.So now, the envelopes, please....
Best Story Lead
Best use of the word Fuck
Best Life Lesson
Best Description of the Afterlife
Best Ass Kiss
Most Interesting Entry in Search Log
Best Meta Reference
Most Contempt For Jane's Addiction
Most Disturbing Image
Most Inventive Lubricant
Best Use of an Action Painter as a Verb
Most Disturbing Trend Spotted
Best Sentence Fragment Out of Context
Best Investigative Journalism
Best Line from Reader Mail
in the junk drawer:
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·feature·
·net worth·
·bumping uglies·
·smoking jacket·
·ear candy·
·feed hollywood·
·target audience·
·three dollar bill·
·compulsion·
·posedown·
·the biswick files·
·mystery date·
·and such and such·
·blab·
·kissing booth·
·contents·
·freakshow·
·fan club·
·junk drawer·
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