Kitchens of Death!

In the rush to find a model for content that works and is profitable on the web, the only rule has been "there are no rules" and try everything possible. The oldest trick in the book of throwing as much shit against the wall to see what sticks. In that spirit we have been treated to everything from the ramblings of complete crackpots to all manner of pornography (I don't have to help you find that, do I?), to myriad pointless amusements. I've been able to learn everything from what the real lyrics to half mumbled grunge songs are to tips on caring for orchids.

The real beauty is learning about things I didn't even realize I needed to know about. That's the beauty of El Dorado County Online's public access station's real video archive. Jack gets credit for sending me the URL, but I'm taking credit for elevating this to cult status if this catches on. From the History of Gold Panning to the priceless cinematic gems that are local commercials (love those production values) whenever I need a little break I head to California's foothills to see what new distractions are being offered in Real Video.

While I fancy myself a good hostess capable of entertaining visitors with witty repartee and gourmet cooking, there's a particular video I'm compelled to thrust upon my guests whenever a new one comes a calling.

Kitchens of Death!

Yes, because who doesn't need to know how to spot, instantly, the menace to our society that is a Kitchen of Death? According to this little "educational" video, a Kitchen of Death (or K.O.D.) is an illicit locale where crank - a highly addictive form of cocaine, is manufactured. They could be anywhere. The film makers are kind enough to show all the warning signs, telltale to a K.O.D. All but two i might add are present in my home. Lots of foot traffic, people stepping outside to smoke (I like to slide out onto the fire escape - is that so wrong?) and of course, bottles in boxes! Guilty! The only thing I lack are painted oil cans (how about oily paint cans?) and toxic chemicals. They kindly remind people to not try to take out a K.O.D. on their own, always consult a professional because of "deadly toxic booby traps." Now, I understand this is a real problem, but the narrator has a voice like the old Love Boat announcer and the tone of importance he imparts to key phrases is a complete hoot.

K.O.D. has all the elements of a blockbuster except sex. Drugs, deception. danger, and a couple explosions. I can't tell you exactly why I love this so much, but if you watch it, you'll figure it out. It's also possible that I just really like the host's jacket. besides, sex is one of the things the Internet doesn't excel at, looking for other Real Video amusements I read a sex therapist's intro to his presentation "It's (the Internet is) the best thing to happen to dating since bars were invented," I knew I had strayed too far from my comfort zone.

I tried watching some of the other fine ElDorado county productions like "Do It Right! Oil Disposal" and "Dawn's World Of Art" but I didn't get the same Must see TV satisfaction as Kitchens of Death. It's a postage stamp sized video that might not change your life, but then again,when was the last time your life got changed anyway?

leslie@smug.com

back to the junk drawer