Don't Rush Me

Mid life crisis happens and with television and the accelerated consumption of trends by society, it seems that Mitsubishi feels that society will also start to consume humans faster as well. That a shorter attention span is a hallmark of a shorter livelihood. That, in short, once you turn 27, you're screwed.

Dig if you will: A late 20s early 30s guy in a sedan has a car with two nubile teenage foxes who motion to him like the sirens to the sailors. He knows it's his lucky day. Upon lowering his window he's asked "Sir, do you know how to get to the freeway from here?" Ouch. Ego crushed, machismo stripped, he knows what he's got to do. Head to the local Mitsubishi dealer just like the voice over tells him to in order to purchase his thirty thousand dollar penis extension.

Mid-life crisis used to be reserved for balding guys with pony tails and earrings didn't it? Now you need only wait as long as your first real promotion to feel the embarrassing pain and humiliation of not being a teenager anymore.

Jackpot. That's what our antihero thinks he's hit when the teenage lovelies motion to him, let's call him Humbert Humbert for our purposes here, and he's instantly emasculated, both due to his age and his phat-free ride. We are what we drive, right? Drive an old man car, be an old man. Forget mileage, safety, value, it's all about making time with the little and I do mean "little" ladies. Humbert, I'm sorry the teenage girls weren't jocking your tip. I'm sorry they called you sir, but Mitsubishi, I'm more sorry you thought this ad was a good idea.

Le's look at the implications: if these are the ideal women for this gentleman, where does that leave someone like me, his peer? How much longer do these girls have before they are no longer desirable? The procurement of a high school diploma used to be a sign that a woman had her whole life ahead of her, not her whole desirability behind her.

So, you're saying Leslie, just because you're (barely) over 30, maybe you're just bitter and lonely and begrudging this nice man Humbert his little thrills. No. Remember: the medium is the message. Years of conditioning have taught us that advertising teaches us what to want. By using these barely legal ladies, a standard is being set, an ideal is being reinforced that women are most desirable before they're ready to vote and after they can drive (which not coincidentally makes those statutory lawsuits tricky) and holds the sports car as a poultice for aging, reinforcing that all a man needs to do to be desirable is buy the right crap.

Not to mention that it's pushing men, who don't exactly have it easy either to believe that their self worth should be all tied up in how many points they can score in the Tiger Beat round up. Look one level beyond this ad, and the guy gets the message not to be confident in who he is and reality check himself from a momentary flight of fancy returning to reality with a renewed appreciation for who he is and maybe that the woman in his life may have a little gravity on her but still thinks he's the bomb and can hold up her end of a conversation, but to merely go out and buy a solution so he can keep rolling in the youthful glow of the Babysitter's Club.

I saw this ad and the first thing that sprung to mind was "and people wonder why I stopped watching television". If this is the answer to the question "Is your life built for Mitsubishi?" then I'm calling a wrecking crew and having them take as much out as they can before the cops come.

leslie@smug.com

in the junk drawer: