(Todd is currently summering in French-Canada and was, unfortunately,
unable to contribute a new Bumping Uglies column for August. In his
absence, however, he has given us permission to re-print a previously
published column. Originally published on www.smug.com in the winter of
1978, it remains today one of his most requested and internationally acclaimed pieces. A new Bumping Uglies will appear next month but, in the meanwhile, smug is pleased to reprise…)
Armed to the Teeth: Shooting Blanks in Disco Heaven
Fellas, fellas. Listen up. I get around quite a bit. The foxes can attest to that (no offense, Tina. you know you're my baby.) Anyhow, in my "travels", my "adventures", my "unconscionable sex acts performed with women who are often my junior by a significant number of years and whom I sometimes have to sneak through the back doors of the clubs because they don't have a decent fake ID," I have learned a thing or two. A guy with the right moves can find himself in a pretty pickle from time to time with the ladies if you know what I mean. (I am assuming, of course, that most people do know what I mean. I would feel rather ridiculous if I actually needed to explain what I mean. While my meaning may not come across completely clearly I assure you it is because I am actually sort of attempting to remain coy and, well, explaining the subtext of my comments is really sort of contrary to my motives for the construction of said comments in the first place) Sometimes a stud wishes he had an "out" so he can just keep on truckin' without having to look back with regret. Dig?
Let me cut to the chase: I know swinging can sometimes be a drag. The casual sex with multiple sex partners that many of us would like to enjoy without fear of repercussions is in reality not entirely "glitch-free". There is always that overwhelming feeling that you might get a call on the rotary from some random coed, telling you the rabbit died. Until now. I have a solution that will erase all traces of anxiety often associated with irresponsible sex with strangers faster than a pitcher of White Russians will erase your ability to judge the attractiveness of your stewardess. I know it sounds too good to be true, but that's what people said when I told them about turtleneck dickeys. OK, so what's my plan? Simple: vasectomy.
Vasectomies are God's gift to disco. As long as disco is here, I want to be in my best possible shape and a quick vasectomy is the finest training any wild and crazy disco swinger can buy. As long as there's casual sex with strangers, this will guarantee that you will be at top of your game. Let's face it: disco and casual sex are not going anywhere for a very long time and do you really want to risk fatherhood just because you have bad timing? Especially when you know there's a quick, inexpensive procedure that will turn your johnson [editor's note: decades ago men often referred to their penises as "johnsons", "members", or "wieners", instead of today's more politically sensitive, "all-day suckers"] into a ninja assassin. Trust me: after you take care of this you will feel just like JJ on Good Times: Dyn-o-mite!
To alleviate any potential concerns, I have provided this short Q & A below:
Q: What Exactly are the benefits?
A: Think for a second about the myriad possibilities offered to young men who volunteer to have their evil, swinger-preventative-sperm removed from their semen, while retaining the ability to experience an erection and orgasm…How would you feel about having sex day or night without worrying about knocking up some dental hygienist you just met an hour earlier? How having sex without ever again experiencing the excruciating discomfort of rolling on a condom [editor's note: many of our younger readers are likely unaware that, prior to industry breakthroughs in latex design in 1983, condoms were usually fabricated from other more durable, but less comfortable materials such as heavy chain-link or unfinished plywood] or double-checking to make sure your sex partner has her IUD inserted? It's heaven for the bachelor. You need no longer discriminate or hesitate. You can have sex anywhere, any time, and with anyone: stewardesses, receptionists, hairdressers -- even little green Haitian monkeys if that's your bag.
Q: Are There Any Drawbacks?
A: A lot of people who have heard me evangelize about the virtues of vasectomies have asked me questions like "Even with this procedure, aren't you still at risk of contracting serious venereal diseases like herpes or the seven year itch?" I often laugh maniacally at this question, in a manner similar to that of an overconfident evil genius in a James Bond spy thriller. Sincerely, let's face it: these days do you know anyone who doesn't have herpes? If some cold sores and the off chance of night blindness and insanity are the most serious side effects I have to worry about for not wearing a condom, then hand over the Blistex and sign me up!
Q: Is there any way of medically proving you've had this operation performed?
A: If sexual relationships necessitated proof or honesty, I would have a lot of explaining to do to a lot of people I've balled in the past. Trust me on this one. I have never once been asked to produce my pilot's license or medical degree. Like everything in the seventies, this small surgical procedure is for your own good and not someone else's. This is the "Me Generation" -- you can quote me on that.
For sexual swingers, getting a vasectomy is not a question of "should I?" as much as it is a question of "when should I?" And the answer is, "yesterday" because chances are good that the foxy lady over there in the corner, the one drinking a Pink Lady and grooving to the Allan Parsons Project, is going home with someone tonight and it's going to be you and your deadly sperm or the next guy and his carefree, sperm-free semen. If you believe in staying single forever, like so many of us do, I can say that I am so confident in the results and potential popularity of elective vasectomy surgery that I predict, by the year 2000 the following things will happen: sexually active swingers will barely even remember a time in history when men were forced to wear condoms during sex, and scientists will have created an entire race of bionic men. Isn't it about time you did yourself a solid?
back to the junk drawer