February 1999
s m u g
ac/dc
by Todd Levin

*

The Perfectionist and the Idiot Savant

I am plagued with the high standards against which I hold even my most moronic actions. If I do something that I can't rescind, rehearse, and repeat, I feel like I've come up a bit short. I can think of a million razor-sharp comebacks on the ride home after actually dropping something a bit more tepid and uninspired like, "well, your mom's a lesbian, buddy-boy!" when the moment called for something a bit more fantastic and spontaneous. (Turns out, his mom really was a lesbian, anyway. Lesson learned: never use the "your mom's a lesbian" jab at an Adult Children of Lesbian Moms Annual Covered-Dish Picnic. Context is everything. Most disappointing is that I had a delightfully quotable, "Why don't you stick your head in a toilet, Mr. Ass-Face??" locked and loaded but deferred it to the lesbian mom crack. Stupid! Bon mots like "Mr. Ass-face" put Oscar Wilde on the map!!)

So when, moved by a mixture of boredom, alcoholic stupor, and the Muse of Sophomoric Behavior (the same muse that inspires me to put down my Archie comic books and pick up a keyboard to write), I found myself onstage at Webster Hall's Cool Site of the Year Awards, accepting the award for coolest shopping site of the year for eBay, I probably choked. It seemed easy enough to do: after a decidedly poor dinner buffet (Was anyone else screaming at the top of their lungs, "Who do I have to eviscerate around here to get some of them delicious little pigs in a blanket?" Probably not. But a lot of people were staring at me while I was standing on the pasta bar, hollering and waving a live Sterno can, so I imagine they were wondering the same thing.) the awards were plodding along. Our grim host -- new media luminary, Robin Leach -- was handing out the CSOTY awards with the help of a wide range of celebrity awards presenters ("Look -- it's the VP of Marketing and Acquisitions at Peadpod.com! Isn't he dreamy?" was overheard more than once.). Among the early recipients were an awkward little man from howstuffworks.com and some stranger from justbooks.com. (At least I think that's the name of the company. Whatever it was, they took home the coveted "Coolest Book Site" award. Quick: when I say "Books on the Web", name the first 3 web sites that come to your mind. If it was "amazon.com", "amazon.com" and "amazon.com", I think you're probably in popular company. Ironically, "booksywooksy.com" -- or whatever -- was a sponsor of the CSOTY awards.)

OK, forgive the lengthy digression, but at least now the dynamic is in place. You have an awards evening which is really just an after-hours trade show, complete with worthless trade show graft/landfill you'll never use (thank you for the mini Nerf footballs -- we love to play in our cubes, and the Nerf won't damage our server cage!!). You have a host who would rather be cruising a pre-Giuliani Times Square for action than feigning interest in this lot of squares and supporters of the American Cotton Industry. You have presenters who seem like they haven't had a humorous thought since Seinfeld was canceled. And you have award recipients who, for the most part, have never held a microphone and are only slightly more interesting than the categories for which they were nominated. (Notable exceptions: Mr. Powazek, whose anti-establishment speech was refreshingly feel-good -- the moment smacked wonderfully of Kevin Bacon's Bible-quoting monologue at the town meeting in Footloose -- and would have probably even made fellow preserved hippie John Perry Barlow well up with sentimental tears. Also, I hope everyone appreciated the irony of Amy Martin's extremely brief speech -- Amy won the CSOTY award for Personal Site, after all. Personal sites are the playgrounds of vanity and secret confessions. Amy did a solid by uttering "thank you" and splitting. Also noted: although I am actually a sort of fan of Brunching Shuttlecocks, I was supremely disappointed at their recipient's smirky gen-x posturing. Leave that kind of pandering to the rest of the web writers.)

After the winner for Coolest Anti-Perspirant/Deodorant Site (they had to combine the category this year because of a shortage of entries) didn't show, I think the seed of party-crashing was planted in my geranium. I was surrounded by the only not-for-profit members of the web community at the ceremony and I actually started entertaining the idea of grabbing the next no-show award myself. Figured one of two things would happen: 1) there would be no more no-shows, and I would have lost a singular chance at a spontaneous act of juvenilia (darn!), or 2) another opportunity would arise and I would sober up and chicken out (see #1).

Well, when they announced Coolest Shopping Site, eBay didn't show. So I did. I wondered what the crowd I was standing with was thinking, as I drifted hypnotically toward the stage. I was wearing a lovely shirt of New-Media Blue so I guess could have passed as a representative of any of the companies appearing that evening. The only difference is that I doubt the other guests would have staggered onstage with a half-full wine glass in one hand. It was all too easy, though. The awards show had revealed itself as a joke, maybe not in its inception but certainly in its execution. So here I was onstage, clutching an award and a microphone, and balancing my wine in the process. Looking out, all I could see were the backlit forms of the surly guests, the same ones who were causing Mr. Leach to hemorrhage throughout the course of the evening, and there was nothing there but infinite possibility and a tiny window of time. It was like staring at a blank canvas with reverance, when a Gestapo officer suddenly starts barking orders at you to paint. And all I could think was: "Fuck. I really wish I had thought this one through a bit longer."

What I said up there isn't important (Alexis Massie remembered it better than I could have in her Rewired news story, anyway). More important is what I didn't say. Because when you have clearly fooled your way into something, you have written your ticket, in a sense. Not only did I have a microphone and semi-captive audience; I had a semi-captive audience who had every reason to believe I was representing eBay. So, when I walked offstage, still clutching the award and the wine, and still shouting a gleeful stream of obscenities, I was already thinking about how that could have gone differently. How I could have used that time as an opportunity to indirectly slam eBay (a company with which I have no specific grudges, in all truth), its competitors, or the ceremony as a whole (not really necessary, though. The presence of Robin Leach and the pathetic swing dancing had already burned that witch). And, better still, how I could have used that opportunity to promote my new voiceover work on the book-on-tape edition of Elaine Gottschall's Breaking the Vicious Cycle: Intestinal Health Through Diet.

I can't take that moment back and, truthfully, I guess I really wouldn't want to. It would just mean attributing more attention to a fleeting prank than it even deserved. It was something to talk about over the drinks that followed the ceremony, and the drinks that followed those drinks. And it still amuses me from time to time, I suppose. (enough that I have bothered sharing it) It's just the "need to please" side of me that would love every moment of my public life to be worthy of celebrity and anecdotal retelling. So, yes, I've since thought up about 600 variations on how that moment could have gone. And, yes, I've had to tell myself repeatedly that it doesn't matter in the first place. But every time I look at that award, or cuddle with it before I go to sleep each night, I can't help think I could still do more.

back

*

letigre@smug.com

*

back to the junk drawer

featurecar
net
worth
chair
ac/dcgun
smoking
jacket
barcode
ear
candy
pie
feed
hollywood
lock
target
audience
scissors
three
dollar
bill
dice
compulsionvise
posedowncheese
the
biswick
files
toothbrush
mystery
date
wheelbarrow
and such
and such
hat
blabfan
kissing
booth
martini







     
·feature· ·net worth· ·ac/dc· ·smoking jacket· ·ear candy· ·feed hollywood· ·target audience· ·three dollar bill· ·compulsion· ·posedown· ·the biswick files· ·mystery date· ·and such and such· ·blab· ·kissing booth·


·contents· ·freakshow· ·fan club· ·junk drawer·



copyright © 1996, 1997 fearless media