December 1999 posedown by Joe Procopio |
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The 21st century bores me to tears. Or at least that's the plan.
The buildup to the dawn of the new millennium has already been hyped into
the most tragically dull non-event of this or any other year. I'm exhausted
by the constant reminders, especially the countdown clocks, the inescapable
presence of which I have encountered in such inexplicable locations as Home
Depot (and never mind the fact that I can be spotted walking around a Home
Depot and mumbling to myself about the stupid millennium countdown clock).
Has one of the colas declared themselves the drink of the new millennium
yet? If not, I want first North American and twenty percent.
As with any function of such vapid existence, my stance will be to look
nonplussed when not looking for the bar, because the whole 01-01-00 thing
has been gnawing its devious way under my skin since roughly 01-01-97.
By the way, what I really need is for one more Star-Trek-addled sap to
remind me that the millenium doesn't end until next year. I can never get
enough of that kind of nitpicking. I imagine that 12/31/99 will find this
legion of the temporally advanced bathed in an eerie trinitron-monitor glow,
each miserably yet expectedly alone, all interconnected via DSL and cable
modem, and simply giddy with the irony that billions of idiots are
celebrating the end of the millenium on the wrong day. Of course I
also imagine them on 12/31/00, partying their asses off on the correct day,
bathed in an eerie trinitron-monitor glow...
We're hurtling ever closer to this rather arbitrary flipping of the
calendar, and I've realized that nothing short of a self-fulfilled prophecy
or a devastating bender is going to make the moment worthwhile. I don't
think the official 01-01-00 paper plates and ball caps are going to cut it
for me. I'm pretty sure that there will be no cataclysmic sign from God or
otherwise, and it even looks like the computers are going to hold up. Note:
In an ironic twist, if the computers don't hold up, you'll no longer to be
able to read this, and my prophecy will have been erased from the books by
the very event I'm prophesizing against having happened. So either way I
win.
Sure, I'm going to get drunk, but weren't we all going to get drunk anyway?
Isn't that what we do every year at about the same time? Why do we need this
extracurricular puke and circumstance to thrust us into a higher state of
consciousness for this particular New Year's Eve?
The reason I'm going to be reveling into 01-01-00 is because I'm alive,
happy, healthy, and my life is going all right if not amazingly well. The
fact that I'm going to be crossing out "99" on my checks for the next few
months is enough of a crutch for me to get off my ass and get drunk
somewhere away from my house and with other people. I didn't need the
overkill.
Speaking of overkill, do you think Prince is cursing the day he was born
yet?
Allow me a theory. The backlash from millennial madness can be best
explained by examining the inherent differences between two other historical
events, namely, Band Aid and USA for Africa. Stay with me. Remember that
"Feed the World" song that started all of the inane Saint-Rock-Star
posturing? It was innocent enough, catchy, and even had Bono doing that
accidentally ultracampy line, "Well tonaaaaht, thank gawd it's theyum,
instayyyed of yeeeeew." Rock! When I first heard that record, it brought out
all the right emotions. It made me think about starving kids in Africa and
how lucky I was and sure, I could do a little more to help. On the other
hand, "We Are the World" just made me want to punch Dionne Warwick. And I
know that's wrong. But you see what happens when you go that far over
the top? No good comes of it at all.
My question remains. Why are we constantly looking for other reasons to
celebrate?
Why do we substitute the peripheral trappings of our consumer society for
the very real and just as shallow inner arrogance of just wanting to have a
good time?
Allow me another theory. I have this nagging fear that we as the same said
consumer society have lost any and all passion for the moments that we
actually make happen. Instead, we've been trained to wait for and accept the
moment as it comes to us, all the while settling for an inner next-to-best
or anyone's guess. It makes perfect, creepy sense. Furthermore, this is
where we get the phrase, the concept, and the content of "Must See TV."
People, it has to stop.
My wish for the new year? That each and every one of us makes a conscious
effort to eliminate this tepid, plastic concept of a new millennium from our
collective palette. That we all turn a blind eye to the countdown clocks and
01-01-00 gear. That we all start using turn signals (I just think that would
be nice). That we don't fall for the Millennial Motel 6 Extravaganza
or the 2K Kruise. That we don't say "See you next millennium." (For
that matter, try to refrain from "See you next year" as well. It's really
annoying).
Finally, when we do reach 01-01-00, it is my wish that we don't reflect upon
what this moment in time means to us. Rather, we might figure out what we
mean to the moment. I implore you to think about where you are, where
you've come from, and where you're going. And sure, you can do
a little more to help.
Yeah. That's my wish. That plus the turn signals.
what part of the hype bugs you the most?
in the junk drawer:
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