January 2000 the biswick files by Sherman T. Biswick |
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Dear Mr Biswick,
If you had an insufficient level of ultraviolet radiation from direct
sunlight, a lack that would prevent conversion of the element
7-dehydrocholesterol in the skin to vitamin D, I think you'd know the answer
to that one, Mister Smarty Pants.
I hear that with the rise of all this computer video game business, ricketts
is making a comeback. I say: good for ricketts! It's about time kids dealt
with vertebral curvatures again. Makes a man out of 'em. What they need is
a good game of baseball! Clears the head. I love the game, myself, though
I haven't been able to play in quite some time. I remember exactly where I
was when Bobby Thompson fired the shot that was heard all around the whole
wide world. Yessir, I sure do.
* * *
Dear Mr Biswick,
I always thought those Frenchies must be a bunch of cannibals. The way they
look at you when you're only trying to order a Nachos Bell Grande. They
want to eat my skin, I tell you!
Clowns, now. Let me tell you: once when I was a boy I went to see the
circus. I liked it just fine, especially the clowns. They would all come
a-hopping out on pogo sticks and bat each other on the head with a fish.
Laugh? I nearly bought one! Ha ha! That's a joke. I don't really remember
how the rest of it goes. The farmer says to the lady, "Laugh? I nearly
bought one!" And then something else happens, and then that's where you
laugh. At the joke, because it's funny. Or maybe something happens, and
then the farmer says the thing to the lady. Anyway, it's a good one.
* * *
Dear Mr Biswick,
Well Sarah, based on my years of experience, all you really have to do is
move into a retirement community. No one ever comes to visit me here. I
have lived in Happy Valley (Sunny Valley?) for going on twelve years now,
and in that time my grandkids have visited me a total of four times. The
little bastards. Do you think little David ever remembers who bought him
the Atari? Of course not. He's off in the big city, being a bigshot
lawyer, going to bars and picking up cheap ladies of the night, maybe even
smoking the drugs that you kids all seem to like so much these days. I
don't know what's so wonderful about the smack and the crack and the snack
and whatever all else there is out there. They can't be better than a
delightful Coca-Cola.
* * *
Dear Mr Biswick,
When I have trouble sleeping, I usually do one of two things.
* * *
Dear Mr Biswick,
I like the good stuff: Hank Williams, Ernest Tubb, Patsy Cline, George
Jones, Lefty Frizzell, Buck Owens. And of course Van Halen--but only before
David Lee Roth left. Sammy Hagar? Please. And don't get me started on
Gary Cherone.
* * *
Dear Mr Biswick,
Well Milton, there are a number of reasons. But the main one is magnets.
It's a commonly known fact that all people have magnets inside of them.
Big, heavy magnets, made out of magnet rocks. That's why it's so hard for
the ladies to lose the weight like they need to.
When folks come too close to each other, the magnets repel one another. Try
as they might, the two people, even if they are deeply in love, just can't
be close to each other. It's the laws of science! You can try this
experiment right in your own kitchen, while enjoying a big ham sandwich:
take two magnets. Pretend they are in love. Have them eat a nice dinner.
One of them should probably have a salad. Then, after dinner, while they
are enjoying a warm brandy, take the two magnets and try to put them right
up against each other. It won't work! Unless you give them a lot more
brandy.
Signed,
in the junk drawer:
|
|
·feature·
·net worth·
·ac/dc·
·smoking jacket·
·ear candy·
·feed hollywood·
·target audience·
·back issues·
·compulsion·
·posedown·
·the biswick files·
·mystery date·
·and such and such·
·blab·
·kissing booth·
·contents·
·freakshow·
·fan club·
·archive·
copyright © 1996 - 1999 fearless media