Dear Mr.Biswick,
How come my cats can't talk?
From: Shane

It is a little known fact that cats CAN, in fact, speak fluently in the languages of men. If your cat won't talk to you, it is probably for one of two reasons. Either he is holding some kind of grudge against you--probably for some little thing you did once a long time ago and which he should know didn't mean ANYTHING, but you know how cats can be, never letting you forget the one time you let them down--or, more likely, he doesn't speak English.

Cats frequently refuse to use the language favored by their owners, and again this is mainly due to the fact that cats are basically selfish creatures. When cats get together on their own, they converse in a startling number of languages, including Latin and Greek. Calico cats prefer Esperanto, and if you hide so they don't know you're there, you can often hear them greet each other with a hearty "Salutan!" in surprisingly fluid voices. But if they discover you, they will grow sullen and bitter, just like a teenager. Another example of this kind of behavior is when your cat grinningly steals the last crouton out of the salad bowl, even though you both know that he doesn't even like croutons.

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Dear Mr. Biswick,
How can I get my dad to respect what I say?
From: Aubrey

You might try saying things in the voice of Sir John Gielgud, who had a lovely voice. Also, James Earl Jones has a nice voice, although I should point out, in all fairness, that he is still using it. When I was a boy, my Uncle Clement had a wonderful singing voice, and all the ladies in the congregation used to comment on it. So I learned early the importance of a nice voice.

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Dear Mr. Biswick,
Why does love hurt?
From: Heartbroken And Lonely

Probably it just got stuck. This happens when people don't think very hard before falling in love. Also you should be careful of the swelling.

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Dear Mr. Biswick,
Why are presidential candidates so lame?
From: Evan

Evan, sometimes presidential candidates are born with what doctors refer to as a "bum leg." We must remember not to tease them, even though they stumble around like gimps, no matter how funny they are. Just think how you would feel if you were running for president and you had to hobble around on a deformed stump of a leg. You'd feel pretty badly. But if you had a solid stance on balancing the federal budget without cutting defense or education, you'd probably do just fine.

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Dear Mr. Biswick,
What was used to print books before the printing press? From: Harvey

The printed press was invented by Steve Guttenberg while he was making a comedy talkie called "Police Officer University" with that funny colored man who makes the fart noises in his mouth. It was while making this film that Mr. Guttenberg learned how to read and was inspired to invent the printed press. Another interesting fact is that earlier in his career, while Mr. Guttenberg made a picture called "You Can't Stop This Disco Music!" with the musical singing group The Villager People, he invented the alphabet. And also the Bible. He was a very talented young man.

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Dear Mr. Biswick,
Any thoughts on Aleister Crowley? From: Illumina23

I don't care for the spicy foods. They aggravate my lumbago.

Forever your girl,

Sherman T. Biswick,
Veteran.

biswick@smug.com

in the junk drawer: