April 1997
s m u g
posedown
by Leslie Harpold

Written in the Stars

So - everyone's talking about astrology more and more these days in bold defiance of the Pope. Okay, so no one ever listened to the Pope anyway, but that's not the point. You may not believe in it, but there are times when it's just more socially acceptable to go along with the plan than not, so you may need a few tips to get you through. What follows are some key phrases that you can use to slide thorough any conversation where "what's your sign?" is one of the questions.

Early in the conversation if you have a better topic ready to go, like punk rock or Important Photographers of the 20th Century (those are favorites of ours) you can just say "your sun sign doesn't really mean anything unless you know your whole chart. I'd rather not cookbook something like this, we'll discuss it when you know the whole picture." Immediately you'll have hand and from there, use the ensuing silence to change to one of your favorite subjects that you feel entirely more conversant on.

If you come in too late with that one, or say it in the wrong company it can backfire. I know a girl who can do whole charts in her head if she knows the birth info, and all of a sudden, she's talking a mile a minute and you get the feeling she just looked in your underwear drawer and is providing color commentary on your intimate apparel, if only the psychic kind.

Signposts

Here are some sign by sign basics that will almost never steer you wrong:

Capricorn:
Very reliable people, fiercely loyal, but man, they can be so stubborn! Late bloomers for the most part. Very cool exterior, but still waters run deep.

Aquarius:
They're not all spacey you know, they're actually pretty responsible and magnanimous. Fun people, but man, they demand perfection.

Pisces:
Ah, the watery people. They have their fine points, and can be a lot of fun, but they can turn on you in a heartbeat. Great at parties, very group oriented people.

Aries:
They can be so focused. Goal oriented and generous, passionate but passionate about what's in front of them more often than not.

Taurus:
Loyal and opinionated, they seem stingy, but once they trust you, you can have anything. Unless you're the type that likes to fight and hates to lose, these are some good people to know.

Gemini:
It's not like having a split personality, it's like two distinctly different people in the same body. This can be both good and bad, because like snowflakes, no two Geminis are alike.

Cancer:
Homebodies, generally, the thing about them is no matter what, they never go away. They hate unfinished business, and their definition of unfinished is going to vary wildly from anyone else's. Warm and friendly, they can be very charming until they get angry then, make sure to duck.

Leo:
Leos are great - as long as they feel they are getting enough attention and admiration. When they aren't - watch out! Give them a lot of praise and you'll have them right where you want them.

Virgo:
Neat freaks, generally anal retentive, they can nitpick their loved ones to death, but they tend to be bright and devoted, at least when the time comes to choose sides. Most people think. You can always count on Virgos when you need someone to help you move.

Libra:
Never let a Libra make a quick decision, they make all their decisions with the same amount of energy, be it what to make for dinner or which career to follow. You'll always think the Libras like you because they want everyone to feel happy all the time. However, they could stop speaking to you one day and you'd never know why.

Scorpio:
They have a well deserved rep for being sexy people, but they have very exacting standards and hate to be disappointed. Kind to those they love, Scorpios will rarely let you see them sweat, but despite their cool exterior, they're actually really nice people.

Sagittarius:
Sag people are creative and passionate, but have a short attention span. They roll with the punches and although they seems a little flaky will come through for you when it really matters.

Here's the most beautiful part of this little astro primer - if anyone disagrees with you about any of the points mentioned above - and memorize this phrase - you can always retort with "Well, I'd have to see the whole chart to be more accurate. That's why newspaper horoscopes are so bad."

Stress that you're in touch with a bigger picture, and people will think you're the reincarnation of Sidney Omar, and you'll get to steer the conversation to something you really know about.

leslie@smug.com

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