May 1997 compulsion by Leslie Harpold |
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Ancient Chinese Secret
I have a firm rule about not putting things in my mouth unless I know what
they are and I promise you it has served me well over the years. One night,
though, a while back when my judgment was clouded, or to put it in its
proper setting, my brain was an Absolut cloud, this very cute boy
was love rapping me, and handed me a little silver ball and told me to put
it in my mouth. I did, lest I break the mood, and I expected it to be a
sugary treat. I was wrong.
It was a good wrong, though, and he went on to explain that they were
Chinese something something, and his ex-girlfriend turned him on to them
and a bunch of other stuff I forget. I forgot his name, and I lost his
number before the night was over, and all I remembered was those
things he gave me left me wanting more. He told me they were breath
fresheners and they were good for you, and they were made of herbs. I
poked around Chinatown in Manhattan, and described them as best I could but
the shopkeepers did nothing but stare blankly at me. I couldn't tell if it
was because I was crazy talking or they just didn't understand English, and
eventually I gave up.
My friend Vicky, who was born in Hong Kong and speaks Chinese fluently
(notice the clever way I avoided saying my Chinese friend here) was over at
my house a couple weeks ago, and talking about how I should see a Chinese
herbalist for some thing or other that was bugging me that day. It
reminded me of the boy, and the little silver things, so I started
describing them, and before I got ten words out of my mouth, she was saying
"Ren Dan." Actually, she was repeating it over and over, because I kept
on talking, making sure she knew exactly what I was talking about because I
wanted to be sure, and she was. I asked her why I was unable to find them
on my own if it was so easy for her to figure out what I wanted and she
stated the obvious. "Leslie, you have no idea where the real places Chinese
people shop in Chinatown are." This shut me up pronto.
They look like a tiny version of those evil tasting non-pareil things you
wanted on your birthday cake as a kid. Pop one into your mouth, though,
and you're in for another kind of experience altogether.
Use two or three for a total breath freshening mind blowing mouth
experience, or, as I learned from reading the instructions they came with,
use "for a headache and as a stimulant 30 pills; in acute cases of stomach
and intestine disorders up to 60 pills at a time." The copy also said that
Ren Dan is "digestive and refreshing" and prepared with "selected indigenous
drugs of superior quality and absolutely free from Narcotics." Apparently,
it's good for a bunch of things, including "dyspepsia, surfeit, nausea,
crapulence, dizziness, vomiting, fetid breath, and a highly recommended
household drug, and indispensable for traveling."
I noticed that when I suck about thirty down, I feel more relaxed and less
stressed out, but still have energy. It has made heartburn go away. As
for surfeit, I haven't been stricken with that one yet, but hey, I'll keep
you posted.
Mostly it's just fun to put one in your mouth and then drink a beer. It
makes the beer taste sweet, and kind of yummy, and you know your breath
will not reek of that malty smell that's quite unbecoming to a lady. They
also take up a lot less space in my purse than Altoids, and make less
noise. That's a helpful factor - if you've never carried a purse, it leaves
more room for lipstick.
Alone, the taste is herby and green, and there's a hint of the taste of
dirt, with a slightly sweet edge. I can't compare it to anything else,
because it tastes like Ren Dan, another primary flavor, in the same way that
squant is the fourth primary color, there is just no way to label it.
If you have a Chinatown where you live, try to hunt some down. A whole
case, which is 12 packs of the little discs shown here will cost you about
5 bucks, a small price to pay for total freshness (and reports have it that
a Ren Dan-ed mouth is pleasant to smooch) and a kickass conversation piece
to boot. I've never heard of any of the herbs listed in the ingredients,
like kepala pening and batuk and dipakai-kan berapa, but I trust this
ancient Chinese secret because so far, it works for me.
back to the junk drawer
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