July 1997 smoking jacket by Jack Smith |
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Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
I can only assume that male pattern baldness is the payback for our
creating the women's beauty industry. For years men have been selling
women insecurity in the form of fashion rags. Then, and here's the truly
brilliant part, those same magazines show you the relief for this newfound
low self esteem. (Available for purchase at finer stores everywhere).
Well, we should've known this would come back to haunt us three fold. Next
to impotence and having to sit through "My Best Friend's Wedding," again,
nothing haunts the male psyche like hair loss. We cover up our bald heads
with makeup and hairpieces and have surgery to give us new follicles. This
may mask, albeit ineffectively, our shiny scalps, (let's face it,
gentlemen, if we can avoid a problem, we will), however, it can't hide
our fears about our virility and attractiveness caused by male pattern
baldness.
Every morning I look at myself in the mirror while shaving and eye my
hairline moving back my head faster than Sherman's march to the sea. I
hate that my bald(er) friends my own age always joke about their own hair
loss. They do it not because they're really nonchalant. They joke as a
not so gentle reminder that my day is coming.
According to the Rogaine (with Minoxidil) TV spots, once my hair falls out
I'll never be able to go whitewater rafting, have a meaningful relationship
or, gasp, I may never, ever smile again. It also doesn't help
that our wives and girlfriends pat us on the head and tell us, "I think
it's cute." Cute? Saying that going bald is cute to a man is like saying
to a woman, "Those are terrible shoes and you look like a cow in that
dress." This is all a pretty serious burden to bear so we as males have to
develop a plan of action, a torturous public face to put on our follicle
fallout. That's where the hair strategy comes in.
It's important to find a plan that works for you. It has to match your
personality, physical appearance, and be a path you can follow for life. The
trick is to start your hair strategy before your hair loss is readily
apparent. There are a few hair strategies that I admire though they don't
really work for me.
Marlon Brando. When I saw his bald mug on "Larry King Live" hawking the
seaweed brownies, I knew that shaving his head was the right choice. The
one thing I do have in common with Marlon Brando is that we both have a fat
face. Unfortunately for me, I'm not nuts. And it helps to be a big fat
loony if you're going for the Buddha look.
Elton John. Now there's a guy who's taken to surgery as his personal
strategy. I know he's had some sort of transplants but I'm not sure how
it's done. My friend, Jim, claims that every six months Elton John buys
back skin from a New Jersey teamster and has it sewn to his scalp. Me? I
don't like the idea of unnecessary surgery near my brain.
A cursory glance through the bastion of bald guys, the internet, reveals no
better options. From the net, I did learn that the center of the bald
universe lies somewhere near Wayne, New Jersey. (Jim could be right about
the Elton John thing after all.) Scattered within a 50 mile radius of
Wayne seemed to be an unusually high concentration of baldie supply stores
and many of these places have websites.
Online, you can order things like The Brush, a NASA developed grooming
device used to give maximum volume to the time honored tradition of the
comb over. (Known to us kids as the Toss Across.)
In addition to grooming kits, there are the requisite hairpieces. I can
safely say that nothing is more disturbing to me than the thought that
someone would order a hairpiece off the net. But still my own
insecurities are strong and the urge to impulse buy is there. With just
a personal computer and a credit card, I could be the proud owner of a
"Howard Cosell" or a "Nero." Fear that the web site wasn't designed using the
Netscape safe palette was the only thing that kept me from placing the
order. Imagine what it would be like to receive your toupee in the mail to
find that what you saw on the net was dithered from a nice Versace green.
My favorite of all the hair strategies available for purchase on the net is
COUVRe. (Yes, the spelling is correct.) Using, I suspect, the color
system developed by Seurat, COUVRe reduces the color contrast between your
hair and scalp. The claim that "even from only 2 inches away nobody will
be able to tell" seemed a little too much like the ads in the back of
Hustler for penis enlargement. What a rip-off those ads are. TWO INCHES,
MY ASS!! I barely even got a quarter of an inch. But that's another story
for another day.
Back in the real world, Cy Sperling has made his fortune by celebrating his
baldness with the Hair Club for Men. I believe that if you can make a
profit from your own fears, you are a genius. So, I believe his is far
and away the best hair plan. Although it does present a few problems for
me personally. I first imagined that the Hair Club was some sort of Mason-like order with secret rituals like The Weaver's Chant and The Wearing Of
The Hair Shirt.
The Hair Club experience is probably closer to buying drugs... "I just got
this great batch of Antonio Banderas. This is my own personal stash. But
I'm willing to part with a little bit. Naturally, it's more expensive than
the Ed Begley, Jr. But, since you're a member, I'll let you have it at
friend prices." But the first one here is not free and you have to keep
coming back for a fix.
Still Cy was onto something with his profit motive. Since the Hair Club
has been done I think I'll try making my hair loss into an art project. I
love the art. I love to make the money. And very quickly, I have to find
a way to say, "Look at me, I thumb my nose at my grandfather's genes." All
the while secretly thinking in a Homer Simpson voice, "Oh, hair. I love
you. Please stay a little longer."
I've now decided to photograph myself at the same time everyday for the
next 15 years. I'll save all the hair from my haircuts and all the hair
that collects in my shower drain and from it, I'll weave tapestries of
historical events... Washington crossing the Delaware, Gutenberg's invention
of the printing press, Jimmy Carter's malaise speech, etc. I'll call this
grand project, "Jack Smith: My Life in Tresses." All the works will be
available for sale, of course, and if things go as planned I'll be
mentioned in the next Robert Hughes PBS special in the same breath with my
favorite chromedomed artists like Picasso, Pollock, and Rosenquist.
I don't believe I'll ever fully accept that my hair that I've always heard,
"is such a great color" is leaving me. I'm confident that cash money will
keep my mind off it, though. For every fear there is a product and, I'll
soon find out if there are any arts grants to go with them.
back to the junk drawer
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