December 1997
s m u g
net worth
by Leslie Harpold


Don't Look Back

Ever wonder what song was number 1 at this time in 1984? Well, here's your chance to find out. The 80s Server Hits Story records the number one hits from each year of our favorite decade on this date. Amaze all your friends by listing all the number one hits on October 31 for each year of the 80s. Believe me, you'll be worshipped!!!

Okay readers, if you know of a circle of people who actually worship this kind of knowledge, and I mean worship in the true sense, burnt offerings, statues in the image of the godhead, you'll let me know? because if a set of followers exists who will truly be amazed by someone capable of gathering enough info and having the brain power to memorize ten facts, well, I'm crashing that party, dragging the needle over the Oingo Boingo record and announcing that I am their new Queen. My uncanny ability to commit trivial things to memory has shocked and astounded, and even frightened, however, never inspired actual worship, and now that I'm old enough to use my powers for good and not evil, I am ready to take over.

Such bold statements glorifying things almost retro is the staff of life at The Eighties Server. The fear that was handed to us to motivate us to be rich edified people with inner lives "You don't want to be one of those people who peaked in high school" was patently misinterpreted and seems to have lead to a faction of a generation who, instead, peaked in college.

My favorite part is that this is essentially a pay site. Okay, that's my second favorite part, but I'm saving the kicker. You too can revel in the past for the fire sale price of $4.95/month, or if you're really committed to such premium services as Eighties themed crossword puzzles, $54.95 for one whole year. The free side gets you little, mainly teasers about how much more of nothing your five bucks will buy. Nothing special, just a Real Audio 80s jukebox, and lots of trivia games and entertainment headlines and those all too crucial who won what awards in the 80s. (All of which are available free on other sites)

This site is so bad I don't even need to complain that their menu page looks like one of those block ads for 900 numbers in the back of porn magazines. Bad graphics are the east of it's sins. Ponder if you will this little koan:

Ronald Reagan was cool.
Gorbachev was the guy who
built a McDonalds in Moscow.

I know, you're thinking "Hey Leslie, that's a pretty funny reduction of history, tinged with GenX style wit." Which it would be if the author of the essay "Children of the Eighties" was kidding. Sadly, he is completely serious. To read this piece of dross is to be reminded of the unfortunate fact that so many people of our generation were not only raised by television, they took it all too literally. He opines for Scooby Doo and Captain Caveman, to the exclusion of all other things. Each step in his path to manhood, is marked with a TV show or novelty snack item. The one thing he does do is take time to eschew being called a "GenXer" and express his distaste for "grunge" by writing the word with a little international no sign through it. How positively deep.

The essay, and I use the term as loosely as the law allows here, is wistful in tone, bemoaning the days when Daisy Duke was his fantasy future wife. Frankly, I don't care what my generation is called, as long as I am called.

I'd feel like I was cheating you if I didn't spoil the ending:

When you put all this stuff together, you have my childhood. If this stuff sounds familiar, then I bet you are one, too. We are children of the eighties. That is what I prefer "they" call it

Need a tissue? The author, betraying his literary genius has given no clue as to who "they" might be, so I assume it's all of us who remember fresh air and free time as the hallmarks of our carefree youth. I was a teenager in the 80s and I only remember having an asymmetrical haircut and trying to act punk in white suburbia. Am I nostalgic for it? No, and I'm glad there are few photos. Sam Pratt who has a much better website than The Eighties Server summed it up best when he said "We have to ask ourselves, are we nostalgic for what we remember because we remember it, or, are we nostalgic for it because it was good?" Something that likely never occurred to the collective brain trust behind this bandwidth waste.


in the junk drawer:

November 1997
October 1997
September 1997
August 1997
July 1997
June 1997
May 1997
April 1997
March 1997
February 1997
January 1997

and such
and such

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