February 1998
s m u g
three dollar bill
by Willie Love


Pitcher or Catcher?

Oh yes, this is exactly what you think it is.

Let's clear a few things up right now. I am neither and both. I have received no less than 17 emails from curious youths asking me which role i prefer - pitching or catching. These clever euphemisms for sex never cease to amaze me, not in how clever they are, but simply that they can carry on for years before they become outmoded, like saying "EX!" as an abbreviation for excellent. Like anyone, I love a good cliche, so finally I'm setting it free.

What I don't understand and feel free to tell me is why heterosexual men, or at least that's what they tell me they are, are consistently speculating which position on the team I play. When it was just a few dozen mails from college boys to Smug, I chalked it up to juvenile humor, the steep after the word "doody" is funny and before you're readyto embrace the subtle nuances of innuendo. I understand that and I remember that. I told my first ddick joke when I was 12 and my final one when I was 22, so I can't say I was quick to mature. Ten years later, I'm just over it.

Dear Willie
Are you a pitcher or a catcher"? I'm not gay, I'm just asking.
- Jeff

Dear Jeff and others like you:

Let me tell you a story.

I work, as you may know, in a bar. The other day two men were sitting at my bar and talking about how they hate fags, and we're all going to hell yadda yadda. I'm sure you can imagine the drill. I'm laughing, because they keep asking me to join them - seeking my approval. I can only guess they couldn't tell I was gay, made doubly funny by the fact they were spouting off about how you can always spot a sissy.

Luckily for me, I had forgotten to wear my pink triangle hoop earring and rainbow flag TShirt. Wait, I'm sorry I never wear these things. So it wasn't so much that I'd forgotten as much as work requests that I sport a stylish white oxford and blue jeans to stand behind the bar. I have no problem with this since they pay me so well.

So, anyway, I'm standing there wrestling with the possibilities, do I tell them I'm gay and just see what happens, do I ask them if I seem gay? Do I go for the shocking/fear thing where I just blatantly come on to them? I rejected the latter idea simply because these hompophobic bastards are the exact kind who would have come back after closing and tried to get me to service them inthe bathroom, and then kicked my ass when I refused.

Instead, I just waited until they asked for their check, and said "You know, you can never be too sure who is and isn't gay." thinking that was the most Zen I could be without letting the situation pass unnoticed. They responded "Well boy, we know from gay, and we can spot a fag anywhere". Let me point out as well that these two gentleman, and I use theterm as loosely as the language will allow, were not some sort of redneck posse, they were businessmen, mid-thirties in very expensive suits.

I then said that I might be gay, afraid to commit fully and they laughed and asked that question I know you're asking now "Heh, are you a pitcher or a catcher?"

Quite pleased with themselves they paid their tab and thanked me for being so funny.

Mid thirties businessmen are making this joke, This is the best motivation outisde my personal annoyance with the question I can find to compel the youths reading this column to cut that shit out please. I mean, it's the same reason you don't buy Hootie records, and stopped rollerblading right? Because mid thirties white guys took it up as a hobby? So, if only to aid you in rebellion I implore you to stop.

It's not about giving and receiving you see. In casual conversation with strangers, you don't ask a woman if she spits or swallows, a man if he is cut or uncut or a transvestite if they are pre or post op. You wait till it matters. So, if you think you're being cute, let me inform you that the only message you are sending to the person you're asking is "I am interested, therefore inquiring."




in the junk drawer

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