January 2000
s m u g
the biswick files
by Sherman T. Biswick


Dear Mr Biswick,
Can you die of ricketts?


If you had an insufficient level of ultraviolet radiation from direct sunlight, a lack that would prevent conversion of the element 7-dehydrocholesterol in the skin to vitamin D, I think you'd know the answer to that one, Mister Smarty Pants.

I hear that with the rise of all this computer video game business, ricketts is making a comeback. I say: good for ricketts! It's about time kids dealt with vertebral curvatures again. Makes a man out of 'em. What they need is a good game of baseball! Clears the head. I love the game, myself, though I haven't been able to play in quite some time. I remember exactly where I was when Bobby Thompson fired the shot that was heard all around the whole wide world. Yessir, I sure do.

* * *

Dear Mr Biswick,
What did the first cannibal say to the second cannibal while they were eating a clown?

From: Lee

I always thought those Frenchies must be a bunch of cannibals. The way they look at you when you're only trying to order a Nachos Bell Grande. They want to eat my skin, I tell you!

Clowns, now. Let me tell you: once when I was a boy I went to see the circus. I liked it just fine, especially the clowns. They would all come a-hopping out on pogo sticks and bat each other on the head with a fish. Laugh? I nearly bought one! Ha ha! That's a joke. I don't really remember how the rest of it goes. The farmer says to the lady, "Laugh? I nearly bought one!" And then something else happens, and then that's where you laugh. At the joke, because it's funny. Or maybe something happens, and then the farmer says the thing to the lady. Anyway, it's a good one.

* * *

Dear Mr Biswick,
What's the best way to tell someone (an ex-boyfriend, in particular) NOT to come visit me?

From: Sarah

Well Sarah, based on my years of experience, all you really have to do is move into a retirement community. No one ever comes to visit me here. I have lived in Happy Valley (Sunny Valley?) for going on twelve years now, and in that time my grandkids have visited me a total of four times. The little bastards. Do you think little David ever remembers who bought him the Atari? Of course not. He's off in the big city, being a bigshot lawyer, going to bars and picking up cheap ladies of the night, maybe even smoking the drugs that you kids all seem to like so much these days. I don't know what's so wonderful about the smack and the crack and the snack and whatever all else there is out there. They can't be better than a delightful Coca-Cola.

* * *

Dear Mr Biswick,
Why am I awake at this ungodly hour of the morning?

From: Freddie

When I have trouble sleeping, I usually do one of two things.

* * *

Dear Mr Biswick,
What kind of music do you listen to?

From: Teddy

I like the good stuff: Hank Williams, Ernest Tubb, Patsy Cline, George Jones, Lefty Frizzell, Buck Owens. And of course Van Halen--but only before David Lee Roth left. Sammy Hagar? Please. And don't get me started on Gary Cherone.

* * *

Dear Mr Biswick,
How come two people in love can't be together?

From: Milton

Well Milton, there are a number of reasons. But the main one is magnets. It's a commonly known fact that all people have magnets inside of them. Big, heavy magnets, made out of magnet rocks. That's why it's so hard for the ladies to lose the weight like they need to.

When folks come too close to each other, the magnets repel one another. Try as they might, the two people, even if they are deeply in love, just can't be close to each other. It's the laws of science! You can try this experiment right in your own kitchen, while enjoying a big ham sandwich: take two magnets. Pretend they are in love. Have them eat a nice dinner. One of them should probably have a salad. Then, after dinner, while they are enjoying a warm brandy, take the two magnets and try to put them right up against each other. It won't work! Unless you give them a lot more brandy.

Sherman T. Biswick,


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