january 1998
s m u g
net worth
by Leslie Harpold


World Domination

Well, I hope you haven't been wasting your time messing around with those domestic Bonejanglers, because it's time for the International Bonejangler to come kick their asses.

Welcome to the late 20th century, where the preferred way of making your statement to the world if you're smart, sexy, frighteningly talented and lost in the deep south is to make a web site.

When it first became fashionable to poison children's candy and my parents had sifted through the fruits of my authorized panhandling on Halloween, they warned me that I should still keep my eyes peeled for anything unusual they missed. There was always the fear that one of the pieces of candy would be poison. I was a kid and I wanted the candy more than I was afraid of the poison, but there was the lingering fear that one caramel nugget would send me to the morgue. I get the same feeling when I make my regular visit to Bonejangler. A little fear that something will hurt me, combined with the excitement of getting it all for free. While most web sites bore me to tears, and good web sites compel me to just keep clicking as fast as I can, Bonejangler has me sliding through the links with a little trepidation. Holding my breath to see what will surprise or challenge me.

Let's talk about Earfucker. It's a shockwave streaming audio juke box of sorts, but Filo Bedo has prestuffed it with quarters for you. Now, if you want candy, it's a full scale sensory assault, you like eye candy? It's pretty. You like ear candy? It's full of Ween meets Stereolab meets rehab meets a fever dream but should never really meet your mother. Fan of good programming? The shockwave is smooth as silk, the audio streams with no disruption to even the most delicate of systems, the sound quality is great and he has built in play, pause and stop functions, in case the phone rings and you don't want to get caught having this much fun at your computer.

Choose an artist from the bottom panel and a list of songs appears above it. Click, hit play and within a couple of seconds, you're rewarded with music. Instant gratification, baby. Don't like that one? Try another. If you really like it, buy the CD. In true Bonejangler fashion, it's all about penetration. A double CD for 14 bucks. It's less about profit than being a part of your life. I think Filo may secretly love you as much as I do.

If you're the kind of person who thinks a web site has to teach you something, don't bother. This is just a beautiful waste of time. There's some writing, some music, and lots of pretty pictures. If you don't like naked chicks, don't bother, especially if you don't like them all tied up. It's pure jpeg voodoo, babies and if you're the type that must take everything very seriously, this is not the place for you. It's a little suicidal, a little deviant, a little overly self indulgent, but isn't that what a personal page is really supposed to be? Bonejangler is not sanitized for your protection.

I suggest you take the site in small doses or you'll get the feeling that a lot of it is contrived in that goth style 'look how shocking i can be' fashion that I've grown weary of. I think he means well, because I need to think that to really enjoy it, and you might too, so I'm warning you.

Bonejangler is also the only site that will actively try to get you laid. Yeah, laid. A fine service in association with Bonejangler, the NPO (Nookie Procurement Association) has been established to assist you with getting the nookie you need. Crucial nookie related issues are addressed like STDs, and whether or not you will need assistance on performance day so you can make informed choices about those you choose to party with. I don't know if any nookie has actually been procured, or if i personally would try to get a little this way, but I have to say, it has the potential to be a valuable service to the internet at large. Don't believe me? Have you seen the pages at Geocities lately? Lots of people there need to get laid.

To really have a good time, kick the superego out for a bit, turn off the lights and let it all wash over you. The imagery and words are shocking at times, but you're all grown up now and you know how to click to make it go bye bye. Skip parts of the text if you like, but don't skip the pretty pictures. Play with the earfucker. Stop being so damn sensible.



in the junk drawer:

December 1997
November 1997
October 1997
September 1997
August 1997
July 1997
June 1997
May 1997
April 1997
March 1997
February 1997
January 1997

and such
and such

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